Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The charmer and the slapper

I was slapped recently. On the face. By a girl.

It was a strange situation, partially remembered through a drunken haze. Did I deserve it? Did she overreact? Does violence solve anything? I don't know. I'll let you decide while I spin my own one sided interpretation of events that paints me in a good light. Can't say fairer than that, can you?

I was in a pub talking to a friend minding my own business. The chat was animated and engaging. I was gesticulating wildly, my hands windmilling around as I made my point...innocently. From out of nowhere this girl appeared by my side. She was wearing a hat, specifically a beret which made her look like a character out of Allo, Allo. She was also wearing thick colourful rimmed glasses. Both these things immediately told me she was someone that liked to draw attention to herself while confusingly also using them to hide the majority of her face. She leaned in to talk. I figured she would say this only once...

"You won't get a girlfriend using your hands in that aggressive manner" she said.

My first thought was "Huh?", my second was "stupid hat!". She then started to drone, a monosyllabic whine in my ear about my aggressive hands or the "women repellents" as they would now be known. At some point she left to go smoke (out of her arse! Zing!). I tried to return to the conversation but I was now perturbed. Was she right? Were my hands the cause of my singledom. No, I thought, if anything my right hand was the solution to my singledom. I was on the defensive now but as I refuse to admit to my own faults I came to the conclusion she was mental. I used science to work that out and a couple of vodka cokes.

I was now in an arguei...discussing mood so I went out to find her. It wasn't hard, there she was standing right at the door looking french. She was chatting to a guy who looked mightily pissed off at her. Turns out she had said that he had a crap arse or something. Who was this force of pure evil? She needed to be stopped.

Jumping into the conversation I questioned what she meant when she said that I won't get a woman because 'she' found my hands aggressive. So this meant that she spoke for all womanhood, some kind of uber-woman. Smugly (really smugly) she said "but I am a woman". So I went for the low blow and said "Debatable".


It stung for a bit but my comment stung much harder. She was now flustered. Every time she brought up the aggressive hands I would just point out she was the one hitting folk. Argument over, here endth the lesson. I'm not proud of the comment but it won me the arguement by getting her angry so it was a necessary evil.

I wonder how I would have reacted if a beautiful leggy blonde had said I was never going to get a woman instead of some beret wearing fool. Would it would have been a different story? I would probably be crying right now, scooping ice cream out of a tub with one of my aggressive hands while coming to the conclusion that I was doomed to die alone. But it wasn't so I'm not.

For the record I don't have aggressive hands, they are actually very small and gentle (perfect for holding hands and stroking kittens)... I'm doomed to die alone.

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