Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My shit cop show

Flicking through the TV channels I often look for new and interesting programmes that will stimulate my mind or alternatively I will look for programmes that contain boobs. It really all depends if I have trousers on. So there I am (wearing trousers) tapping the remote through the channels when it becomes apparent there are a lot of cops shows or procedurals as some people call them. You've got the 3 CSI shows where they solve crimes using forensics and snappy one liners like "He's been decapitated...he's probably dead!". There is Bones in which a woman with a large transparent head solves crimes by looking at the victims bones. There is Lie To Me in which Mr Orange can read body language and facial expressions and totally knows when you're fibbing. They are gimmick shows where the detectives use their one skill to solve every crime imaginable. So since there is a market for unique crime solvers I've decided to create my own. It's called Stool.

Stool follows the brilliant but tortured detective Neil Stool who solves crimes by looking at murder victims post death shit (for those that don't know when you die it is very common for the body to have an involuntary bowel movement. Isn't death hilarious!). Stool will use his brilliant understanding of feces to deduce who murdered the victim...somehow.

Using unorthodox techniques he sniffs, prods and when really stumped licks the poop with the tip of his tongue because he's a maverick and he doesn't give a shit. Except he does and he licks that shit. A lot. Throughout his investigations he keeps praying that he will be able to catch the elusive 'Public Toilet Killer' who offed his best friend who was out cottaging. The 'Public Toilet Killer' then violently defecates on the victim because he's a sadistic and immoral bastard. He'll be played by one of The Goonies probably Corey Feldman. Definitely Corey Feldman.

Stool will be played by Lou Diamond Philips whose intense and constipated performance will win him many awards and acclaim. His boss and mentor will be played Danny Glover in a tongue in cheek performance where he will mutter the immortal words "I'm too old for this shit!" every week. He will then burst into uncontrollable laughter until he...he...shits! There will also be a hot female detective who is trying to bed Stool played by one of the girls from two girls, one cup. The cup will not appear.

I think it's a winner or it might be a lot of shit. I'm 29 years old.

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